True Lies

10 Reasons why I can’t see you again.

1) I have a boyfriend. (Fun fact: I’ve never had a boyfriend. Boyfriends should lead to marriage. Other than that, it’s just a waste of feelings.)

2) I don’t know how to date. Definitely not a lie, but just not interested.

3) I’m on a sex hiatus. My sex life is like a hibernating bear.

4) Soul searching. I blame this on online dating and random hook-ups.

5) I have a “no sex” bet going with my sister. Definitely not a lie, but it just didn’t last as long he thinks.

6) I’m engaged. Hopefully one day I can meet a nice boy at church. Then I will convert to a born-again virgin.

7) I’ve gained weight. Definitely not a lie, just REALLY not interested. Also, I had no idea who this person was. Like no clue. I only had dick pics from that number. Wrong head, buddy.

8) I became a pornstar. I’ve considered dabbling in this industry.

9) [I’m upset I deleted this conversation!] I once told a germophobe I had herpes. I know it’s cruel, but he would not stop calling. (more about this boy later…)

10) I’m pregnant and have HIV, yet this boy gives no fucks. #marriagematerial